Our stories have power. They are our stories, no one can take it from you or from me. We lived it, we survived it, we get to tell it. The good, the bad, the ugly is shared so that the hope of redemption can be kindled.
Jesus is a master storyteller and we are made in his image so we are storytellers too. I wager that part of why our stories are so powerful is because it speaks of truth and shares a part of our heart with others. This is a brave thing to do and doesn’t necessarily have to be well crafted as long as you are authentic.
I share my testimony below and welcome you to share yours. Email us at heartofprayernh(at)gmail.com and let us know if you’d like us to publish it on our website and FB page. Please note we cannot post all submissions but we will do our best. Thank you.
Testimony Time
Like many, I grew up in the church at a young age. I went to Sunday school every week and ended up going to youth groups in my tweens. I always hungered to know God and read the Bible, searching for answers I knew I needed to find. My favorite verses were Proverbs 2:1-5 because I sought knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. Perhaps I was an unusual child.
My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, 5 then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.
I searched for the knowledge of God like searching for treasure, but I did not find it. Soon my life changed, and I moved to another state with my family moving from a mid-western state to a New England state - talk about culture shock. This move proved very difficult for me, and I went from being a happy, confident teen to an insecure and miserable young lady. I did not give up on God, but I couldn't find him in church or in Bible studies.
As a teen, I attended an adult Bible study to find what I was seeking but found nothing. Whether it's what was preached or how I interpreted it, the message I heard was "works". I thought I needed to be perfect, and I knew I couldn't be perfect, so why try? I had grown up when the song called, My Place in this World by Michael W. Smith was popular. I desperately wanted to know my place in this world. I felt so lost and alone. Where was this God? What was this love I kept reading about in the Bible? I had never seen or experienced this kind of love.
I picked a Christian School for college because I wanted to be a better person, already knowing I wasn't on the best track. I hoped to find what I was seeking in school, but I was only more disillusioned as I saw hypocrisy all around me and was confused by division in the church itself. I became desperate and miserable as I did not know how to process these things or the deep emptiness. But God did not abandon me.
It wasn't until my early thirties that I couldn't take it anymore. I so desperately wanted to know love. Although I had a loving husband, family, and friends, I did not know what love was because I lived with a constant self-hatred that kept any positive words or actions from my view.
In some ways, I lived like individuals in abusive situations because all I would do was think thoughts of self-loathing or self-hatred most of my teen to adult life. Pretty soon, you start to believe it, and it's similarly traumatizing. I related quickly to those who were verbally abused because that's what I did to myself regularly.
I was miserable. I hated myself, and I hated my life, but I didn't know a way out. I wanted to die and so smoked and drank too much because I thought slow and painful was best. I didn't realize the pain I'd suffered; I didn't understand the hurt inside because my life was good by the world's standards. I had a wonderful husband, a great family, I was blessed to have been adopted by wonderful parents. So what could be bad about this? But something was missing, and I desperately wanted to have this emptiness gone.
I knew I needed something. I had looked into other religions, but nothing stood out. They didn't talk about love at all in some cases, and I so desperately wanted to know love. So I decided to check out church again; something about the Bible always rang true to me. As I sat in the pew, I decided to give Jesus a real chance by removing inhibition. I would come to the faith with an open mind, what did I have to lose? Jesus did not disappoint.
He drew me in; he spoke to my heart. He led me to a church that talked about the Holy Spirit. I had not grown up knowing much about the Holy Spirit other than he was a "ghost" or "wind." I was given a book called Rees Howell's Intercessor and was shocked to discover that Holy Spirit is a person! To know that part of the Godhead was with me all the time filled me with so much joy!
I asked Holy Spirit into my life and felt like a light switch was turned on the outside of my back. All the loneliness I always felt, that emptiness…was filled with this new awareness that God was with me every moment of every day. That the God of all creation was in love with me, and wanted to spend each day with me, was incredible. This was finally the love that I'd been searching for my whole life. He quickly began the laborious task of taking down my walls.
He showed me I had a metal plate over my heart, and he gently removed them and replaced my heart of stone with a heart of flesh. All the things I had covered up began to be exposed. He gently revealed to me that I had been raped in college. I had always blamed myself and tucked the situation away, not knowing what to do with it. I thought it had been my fault for drinking too much and that it was an outcome of my own stupid behavior. But Jesus healed me with his love. He helped me forgive and showed me how I am a new creation, redeemed as a child of God.
Reading scripture one day, I saw that Jeremiah had been given his life as a reward, and before I could stop myself, I had rolled my eyes and thought, "how lame". I was shocked at my response but realized my own self-hatred had left me with such a low value of my own life and life in general. It was not the way I wanted to live, so Jesus helped me to understand my great worth. I looked at scripture which spoke of the truth, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God himself. That in God's goodness, he loved me so much that he gave his only son.
Jesus continued to pour truth into my life. Instead of unworthy, he called me his own. Instead of loneliness, he said he'd never leave my side. As he continued to work with me, I had to give up anger, hatred, despair, and unforgiveness. But in return, I received love, joy, peace, and forgiveness.
I learned what grace means and experienced a "lightness" I've never known before. I would not trade these past years for anything. I am so grateful for what Christ has done for me. He has given me a new life, making me whole and renewed.
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It's funny to think of my life before God transformed it. To think that a person like me could write a book about prayer seems ludicrous. Who am I to do such things? But God redeems and can use the small and meek to confound the wise. I sometimes wonder if I could write this book because my prayer has often been, Lord teach me to pray. He has graciously taught me, and much of what I know is in the book, The Heart of Prayer. Yet, there seems to be a never-ending amount to learn about the many wonders and powers of prayer.
Have you ever thought about what kinds of things God could do in your life if you let him? What kind of dreams might he uncover for you to step into? You have a great purpose and value to God. Consider opening your heart and letting him in to discover the endless joys and wonders of our Lord, Jesus Christ.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. ¬–2 Corinthians 5:17 ESV
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. –Galatians 2:20 ESV
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